Thursday, October 20, 2011


I am a recovering grudge holder.  

And you didn't get a chance to mess up twice in my eyes.

I suppose it was a defense mechanism. A sign of insecurity.When you are relying on other people to make you happy, putting up your defenses comes in handy.
One thing you can be sure of...people will always disappoint you. They will disappoint you because they are broken, as we all are.  I never stopped to consider I was behaving unfairly to them or hurting myself.

The gift of grace was so huge for me to receive because it meant grace for me, and grace for those around me.

Why would I put such a burden on those I loved? Why did I expect them to meet my needs, to bring me joy?
Because I didn't trust God to fill me.

I didn't believe He was enough.

And as I continually relied on family, friends and acquaintances to make me happy the more distant I became.  Don't we all fall short? I could have spent my whole life this way. Like a hamster on a wheel. But God rescued me and showed me amazing grace.

"In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" 
Psalm 56:4

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

Today I don't need to cut people off at the slightest hint of trouble, because it is God who brings me joy. It is God I rely on. In His spirit I can overlook transgressions, I can show love in difficult situations and I can be assured that I will never be rejected. I know where my joy truly comes from and it makes me a better person. A better wife, mother, daughter and friend.  God gave me grace so I could give it to others and I humbly pray  I don't disappoint Him.




JeNeal said...

Love this! Sometimes its soo hard not to hold grudges! Thank you for your honest post!!

Heather Hawthorne said...

I totally feel ya. I love the hampster on a wheel part. So true. I think finally understanding grace lead me to understand how to give more people grace as well. I love the verse Matthew 7:4 "how can you say to your brother, 'let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own?" Maybe I am getting a little off track in this comment, but I think you get my gist. lol! ♥

Anonymous said...

Wow, thank you for this. I really needed to read something like this. Thank you for sharing such vulnerability among your readers.

Andee Eve@ bearing fruit said...

You & me sister, we are cut from the same cloth. I
so get it.

Aaaaaah. But He has given us grace.

I love this post & I love your honesty.
You rock.

Breeann said...

So true! I do this all the time...get upset with people for failing me...when they always will! Only God can fill those holes. Thanks for sharing!! xoxo

Mary said...

when i stepped back and realized the grace that God has given me and the forgiveness that He offers unconditionally, it made it so much easier for me to share it with others. how could i not forgive them when i have done so many worse things to Him? i am so glad He showed me that! thanks for sharing your heart!

Erin said...

Amen! I have spent so much of my life worrying about how others are treating me, perceiving me, loving me...I made that where I got my happiness and verification. I have realized that people are imperfect and they will let you down from time to time...but God is constant. I can always look to Him to accept me, love me, and take care of me no matter what. GRACE. The greatest gift I could ever know. Thanks for sharing!

Cheryl said...

It's gospel grace we need each and everyday. The gospel and His word is what transforms us. This was so good, Jami. Thank you for sharing!!

theolivetree said...

well said... we were just talking in our small group this week...I feel sometimes is is easier for me to be kinder, more forgiving, and a light to strangers ...than it is to someone who has hurt thankful we have hope in Christ ;)

Anonymous said...

I just love your transparency. I was just discussing this with some friends. We get so burned that we just quit wanting to forgive...thank you for encouraging me to continue to be forgiving!

katygirl said...

this was a great post! there was a time that i held grudges too. and then there was a time where i messed up royally and a lot of people held grudges against me. its the worst feeling. it taught me a lot about how not to be like that. :)

Leslie @ top of the page said...

still lovin' it, friend. thank God for His grace! have a great weekend.

Anonymous said...

I loved this post SO MUCH! I find myself relying too much on my family and friends to bring me joy, and to read those verses just felt like my a nice little wake up call. Thank you for sharing my dear!!

Kelly said...

this is why i love you
Brilliant Post Jami!!!

Rebecca @ heartland farmhouse said...

God is GOOD!

I work in the 'real world' and BIG shocker there are people there, sinful people in a sinful world!
AND I have to remind myself I am one of them!

Bless you! you are NOT alone! :)

Jamie Skaates said...

Loved this! I struggle with holding grudges almost every day. Most of the time it's a pride thing for me...praise God for grace! said...

I love you! Your my younger WOW!

stacey said...

i love this! i used to have a hard time letting things go, and holding grudges. ugh. the funny thing is, i think it hurt ME more then anyone else!! :) God has really helped me with it, though, and little by little, it's gotten easier and easier to extend grace and forgive. it's something i've been thinking about a lot lately, actually. i know that if i really truly let myself understand the gravity of God forgiving and saving me, i wouldn't dare not forgive others - know what i mean?

beautiful post!

hannah singer said...

yes. he sought me out, nasty old me. unmerited favor, a new heart. god is steadfast and long-suffering with me, how can i be anything else toward others? lord, help!

love you, jami. love this post!

Kassie said...

I found you from via the fall festival link up on Casey's blog and am reading some of your posts! You are very encouraging, which I am so thankful for! I love finding encouraging blogs! Following you now!

Shauna at The Reed Life said...

this is a great post.
thank you for sharing yourself.